If.......................

If I could make you see

How beautiful you are to me

Would you be mine, for all eternity?

If I could make you feel

And realize my love for you is real

Would that seal our deal?

If I could make you sing

Make you shout out in joy and give you wings

Would you fly over to me ?

If I can make you smile

I’d consider it worth my while

If I can make you blush

Just maybe a momentary rush

It’d be enough to make me gush

And be proud of myself and say..

Finally I’ve made my own day!

Not Your LoveFool

I gave you my heart, my soul, my all
And stood by you, unflinching and tall
While you made up your mind, only to change it again
It never once occurred to me, that maybe for you, love was just a game.

To think that all I sought was your love in return
Only to find myself being left to rot and burn.
But I braced myself through every emotional squall
And when the time came, I willingly took the fall................
All the while not caring about how much I hurt inside,
Knowing only too well that I was just another muse to you,
That you’d soon leave my side.

Although everyone around me could clearly see
The truth of what you were doing to me
I turned a blind eye, I kept the faith going strong
Telling myself that this can never go wrong.

And finally when you turned your back on me,
Choosing to walk away (with someone else)...
Did you seriously believe that I would stay...
Keep waiting for you, forever and a day..?

Sure, I gave you all the time and space you needed,
And through it all, I kept my cool..
But that's not to say, I'm your lovefool !
That's not to say I'm you're lovefool...
No, I am Not Your Lovefool ……………...!

The Gift of You

Into the sunset, we walk hand in hand
There's no turning back, as we leave our footprints in the sand.
A new day shall dawn before us and it will soon be bright
For we've been brought together as one, and in that union lies our might.

What lies ahead of us we shall never know
And should there be the slightest of fears, we will not let it show
For we've got love and faith in each other and that will tide us through
Any storm that may come, for you've got me and I've got you.

Our love is strong, and it will stand the test of time
So don't doubt it even for a minute, oh sweet love of mine.
I've made my promises and I will see them through
Now that I've been blessed with the gift of you.

Can't Keep You Away From Me

I can't seem to get you outta my head..
From the time I open my eyes, till the time I get back to bed,
I keep thinking of you all through the day
For even the most disparate things all connect back to you, someway.

As sleep eludes me, fear engulfs me
And I tell myself this can't be true....
That despite myself, I'm falling for you.

I made a promise (to myself), a solemn one
That I wouldn't court love, till kingdom come
I denied myself the very thought and God knows I've tried so hard,
But what good is one's resolve, when alas, I've played out all my cards?

The truth is that we won't admit it, we both try to hide
That which we mutually feel for one another, deep down inside
And while we shy away from love like it's wrong
Each day that passes us by, makes it grow strong.


Then again, like me, you have your reasons
And you prefer to deny it too,
But beleive you me, if it's meant to be
Even YOU can't keep you away from me.

Abstractions ...

It has increasingly become clear of late, that I’ve somehow assumed all along that abstractions take away from the revelation of what is real and what is but the entire truth. And today I feel that I may have been very wrong in thinking that. Which is what makes me admit that it was possibly just an assumption after all. Yes, abstractions certainly help mask the underlying truth to a fair or even a great extent, but the fact as such, that we seek to mask, remains, as is. For nothing can take away from what is actually real and the absolute truth. And although there seems to be a certain level of security in seeking refuge behind a façade of abstraction, the question that resurfaces time and again is – why does one really need to mask the truth under a pile of cleverly crafted sentences? Is it because we are afraid that acceptance of the truth, as is, may not really be forthcoming? Or is it because, somewhere at the back of our minds we still seek the approval of oh so many ?! How does it really matter at the end of the day, how many people really accept you for who and what you really are ? In your time of need, in that hour of raw, vulnerable desperation, where were all these people hiding, those whose nods of explicit approval seem to suddenly matter in a business that is very clearly none of theirs? The more I think of it now, the more foolish or even wasted all the effort put into making things abstract really seems. And the only comfort and satisfaction that I can take away from all this is that, despite the varied degrees of abstraction, there was sincerity in every worded-emotion and a world of genuine heartfelt feelings and thoughts, still expressed. And the very fact that this piece in itself is so abstract goes to prove that the bull is still hard to confront by it’s horns. Who knows how long it will take before all of this can be revealed in clear and lucid terms, terms that the world at large will understand with just a mere glance?. For clearly, the complexities that constitute the individual that each one of us is, is not something that can be unraveled, addressed, sorted and put aside in a day, a week, a year or may be even in a decade.  And even as we discuss this, albeit in abstract terms, the audience to this may dwindle in number but the individuality that remains steadfast and self-assured in its own right, shall never diminish in intensity or fade away. It shall always exist in the form and of the nature it was truly meant to be.  A candle can be put out by a gust of strong wind, but the darkness that it once dispelled cannot be denied. So it is with us beings, be it you or me. Our words, thoughts or actions, even our very mortal frames can be put out and silenced, but the individuality that defined the impact we had on the world around us can never be denied. And with this, I shall put to rest any conflict that may have risen in my mind as regards the ongoing game of abstractions.

Basking in the here and now!

You stopped and turned to look in my direction and I wasn’t even sure it was me you were looking at,

All of me wanted to believe that it was indeed me, that your eyes longed to behold, your fingers wanted to caress and arms wanted to hold,

But then again I couldn’t be too sure; I didn’t know what to believe in anymore.

For how else could I explain all that was happening to me?

Just when I thought it was all over, and that I’d come up against a closed door.

But then you had your own mysterious ways and you turned things around

For left just to me, I’d have crumbled to the ground

You lifted my spirits, my hopes, my very soul.

And once again there was sunshine in my lackluster world, once again I was whole.

As days go by, I can’t help but dread that this too shall pass someday

And that all good things may well come to an end

But I fight hard to focus and put those thoughts at bay

For it’s not just about a tomorrow that may never come but about savoring all I’ve got today.

An Ode to Miriana

Memories return but they’re just flashes
All vivid like yesterday but still…
I turn to hold you and stumble into sheer emptiness
Grabbing desperately onto nothingness I plunge against my will
And once again my whole world crashes.

Miriana come to me, I know you can hear my song
Doesn’t matter how great the distance between us
Heed not the time that’s gone
All we need is to find each other
For together is where we belong!

A lifetime can change a lot for mankind
But let not one go by with the two of us apart
Put aside the fears that may plague your mind
And just follow the call of your heart.

For I sit and wait for you, my Miriana
Each day from dawn to dusk
Longing and pining for the love I’ve lost.
Wishing that somehow you would seek me out again
And help me reclaim my distant past

But time only ticks away as absolute stillness surrounds me
And loneliness only grows with each passing day
But something inside me tells me
That we’ll find one another, somehow, someday, someway.

Of Visions and Missions or of Love and Longing..... Or of Life Itself

 Along the shores in the pale moonlight, the slender silhouette of a woman walks slowly and seemingly endlessly until the colossal shadow of a ship emerges over the horizon. As the ship moves closer and the shores become visible to those on board, she stops and turns to face the dark waters beyond the sandy beach. And then she throws a silent, expressionless glance my way and I instantly know that she’s beckoning me to dock my ship and come ashore.

I am the master of my mighty vessel, yet not a master of my own mind. I have to fight hard not to look in her direction though I know it's only a matter of time before I succumb to the lure of something inexplicable and surrender with all I've got. My eyes capture every move she makes. It’s the same nocturnal ritual each time. But still, I stand on the deck transfixed, as if it is the very first time such a sight is unfolding before my eyes. In a shimmering white dress, with her long lustrous hair blowing in the direction of the wind, she walks on towards the dark woods beyond, barefoot, not looking back till she reaches the very edge of it. Then she turns around and gives me another brief look and I know it’s time for me to follow suit.

While many people dread me and my band of men as the most notorious pirates these waters have ever witnessed, I consider all of us to be warriors fighting for a cause, fighting for our people in our own way. The men I have on board with me are the best I could have ever sought. For each man here is willing to put down his life if it comes to it, fighting to the very last. The cause for which we plunder, no other man may ever understand and it matters not who does. They say the invasion is still on in those distant shores but we believe only what we see whenever a shipload of soldiers comes our way. By principle we don’t hurt the women and children on board. Thankfully it never comes to that and you’ll know why soon enough. And by principle again, we don’t attack any other ship except for the ones that ferry the men in red and white. Yes, we are in a league of our own! We only fight and conquer those men who are mighty warriors themselves on land but mere rag dolls in our hands. We do not seek any great wealth that may come our way, for all the gold and silver in the world cannot fill the void that has become our lives. All we seek is vengeance.
The moonlight fades as we move deeper into the woods and only in parts can one see a sliver of white where the foliage is not so dense. But I don’t need any light. She is the beacon of silver that lights my path. And I silently follow her till we come to a clearing in the woods, the only place on the island perhaps where one can seek to be in absolute solitude. For surrounding us on all sides are wild beasts and creatures of the night, which for some strange reason keep away from this very clearing. She continues to walk until she finally merges with two wooden logs fastened together in the form of a cross. At this very moment, a familiar numbing pain sears through every cell in my body and I fall down in a heap over a mound of hard earth.

It’s all still fresh on my mind like yesterday. One moment we were a happy couple enjoying a quiet evening meal in our cottage. The very next moment, that sense of tranquility was shattered by heavy pounding on our door, almost bringing it down. One look outside the window confirmed that all was not well around. It seemed like our entire village had been set ablaze and flames were soaring high, not too far from where our modest cottage stood waiting its turn. That we were doomed was perhaps certain from the very first instant when we realized that our village and the surrounding farming lands were under attack by soldiers of some foreign land. But we were not ones to give up and surrender so easily. Some of us fortunately found our escape route through the high seas and pulled away from our otherwise idyllic village and set sail to a destination and fate that was as yet unknown.
As I drifted in and out of pain that seemed so physical and so real, I fought hard to overcome the grief that engulfed me. My sweet ----- , she couldn’t really be gone, could she ? This simply wasn’t real. This had to be some kind of nightmare. For how else could I still be alive without my loving wife and soul mate beside me? How could such an angel who filled my days with laughter, my dull moments with cheer, my disappointments with fresh hope and my life with absolute bliss, be gone now forever? If only I could wake up from this, only to discover the nightmare’s finally over!
We sailed on for days, with depleting food supplies. There was a point in time when we had to let go of our very own as the weak and the sick perished with the passage of time. But we still didn’t have any land in sight. But, for those of us who survived it all, a more terrible fate was in store. It must have been a fortnight after we set sail from our village and it finally looked as if we might be approaching land. And needless to say, our joys knew no bounds when we actually did. But those joys were to be short lived. For the very next morning, we were discovered by those very men in red and white who’d attacked and destroyed our homes and taken over all the assets we ever possessed. If they had just stopped at that, we might have been able to forgive them a lot sooner. But as fate would have it, they preyed on our womenfolk and killed our young. By the end of it all, there were just a handful of us men, wounded badly and awaiting death to come and reunite us with those we’d just lost. But as fate would have it again, we survived. To tell the tale and to avenge the death of our loved ones.
I weep and wail like a human possessed. I tear at the ground with my bare hands like a mad man. Grief knows no logic. It’s not meant to. It only needs to be vented out, if not to completely disappear at one go, at least so as to make it subside until the next time. In a distance I can hear the roar of the ocean. And I know my comrades await my return. They need me, their commander, to lead them and fight with them, until the very last ship of soldiers in red and white have met a similar end, as did our kith and kin. As I said, I am a warrior by my own right. I have duties to fulfill, fierce battles at sea to be fought. So I pick myself up and make my way back slowly but surely, towards the shore…

It’s rather ironical that we start out loving another, not by choice but by fate or whatever else that makes it happen. And sometimes the very object of our affections may be snatched away from us by a cruel twist of fate. But when this happens, we can choose to let go and move on or else to continue to love and long, pointless as it may seem to all others around. Thus, a love that started out as one that was not by choice would then become the only choice we would care to make.

                                                                                              

She Said It All, When She Said Nothing At All

It is not everyday that someone walks into your life, changes the very way you view your own life and leaves a lasting impression when they eventually walk away. But when that does happen, you know that you have been truly blessed and that your life has been enriched and will never be the same again. Let this piece below be a tribute to one such person, for making all the difference in my life, albeit unwittingly.

Staring out into the darkness that loomed over the vast meadows before me, I waited eagerly for the break of dawn to bring with it a glimpse of what constituted my sole purpose for living. An orphan, born and raised on a farm as a farm-hand, I had not much in the way of a really meaningful existence. Each day was just another uneventful routine and signified nothing more than back-breaking work all day on the farm, in order to earn my keep. And all of this changed the day I first spotted her. The day that added new meaning to my otherwise dull and dreary life.

It started out as just another ordinary day, with me going about my usual chores around the farm. It was not until evening when my uncle, a distant relative to be precise, on whose farm I stayed and worked, came rushing up to me and told me that Jack, who usually took the sheep out grazing had hurt himself rather badly and thus while he was still indisposed, I had to take over the responsibility. Herding and tending to animals had somehow come naturally to me. Perhaps it was another thing that I had inherited from my parents, who had been farm-hands all their lives, until an epidemic outbreak of influenza took them both away from me. It was nothing short of a miracle that I survived, considering I was a weak and helpless toddler at the time. I suppose that was the first indication that something rather significant was ahead of me and that I had to survive to experience it all.

I set aside the buckets of water that I was carrying back to the farm from the brook and hurried to the pen to guide the sheep to the meadows, before it got too dark to take them out. We had just one sheep-dog on the farm to help with the twenty-odd sheep that we had. But thankfully, he was one sharp and efficient fellow, more than compensating for the lack of more. No sooner had we reached the usual grazing spot on the meadows, at the edge of the woods, all the sheep started dispersing in different directions, each finding its own individual patch of grass to chew on. I sat myself on a rock, not too far away from the scattered flock, from where I had a complete view of each and every sheep. Marshall, the sheep-dog, settled down at my feet, while keeping an alert eye open for the first signs of trouble, should there be any.

It must have been sometime after the first couple of minutes of my getting accustomed to sitting idle, a stark contrast to the other chores back on the farm, that I saw a dark form, at a distance, moving out from behind a clump of trees in the woods. As the form moved closer, and out of the dimly lit woods, it became apparent that it was a young lady, about the same age as me. There was something about the way she carried herself. Something ethereal about her every move, as she seemed to glide effortlessly across the meadow with a bundle of twigs tucked under her arm. I realized that I was gazing at her, oblivious to the bleating sheep around. My head felt light, as a strange feeling I had never experienced before, engulfed me and I simply stood there transfixed, till her beautiful, delicate frame gradually disappeared in the direction of the village.

The next morning I was back at the meadows, grazing sheep again. I fought hard not to fall asleep after having spent a rather restless night tossing around on my hay-bed in the barn that doubled as my lodgings. I was just beginning to nod off despite myself, when Marshall began to bark rather loudly. I sat bolt upright almost immediately, only to find that Marshall was already bolting after what looked like a wild dog, that was making a hasty retreat into the woods. Within a minute or two, I saw Marshall trotting back, looking satisfied with himself, having warded off a potential threat to the flock. Not far behind him emerged another figure, that of a woman. It was the same one that had me mesmerised the previous evening. Again the sight of her had me spellbound and rooted to the spot. At that point, the only sound I could hear was that of my pounding heart; the only sight that filled my eyes was that of her magnificent and graceful form.

The same trend continued for days on end. Each day at the break of dawn and then again at dusk she’d make her way to the woods to gather firewood. I knew not anything at all about her, but I yearned to get to know all there was to her. With each passing day, my fascination for the lass who came to gather firewood grew. Between the time when I took the sheep out to graze at dawn and then again in the evening just before sunset, it became quite hard for me to concentrate on much else and do justice to any other task at hand. I had never been so slack about my work on the farm, but this was something that was totally beyond my control, way beyond my comprehension even. Something had simply taken over the reins of my life and controlled my every thought and resulting action. I’d often find myself lost in my own sweet reveries of the mysterious beauty who had unwittingly added profound significance to my very existence. But most importantly, it was a warm and welcome feeling and for the first time in so many years I was experiencing the deepest sense of contentment and joy and I found myself thanking my stars for keeping me alive long enough to experience and savour such a magical period of my life. Thus, what had started out as just another duty assigned to me by my uncle and master, had now become the only one I ever wanted to do all life long, if it meant that I would get treated to a glimpse of her each day while I was at it. I was now secretly hoping that Jack would not return too soon to reclaim his job of grazing sheep. I now longed to be the shepherd boy I never thought I would one day be.

And today, after almost seven months since I first saw her coming out of the woods, I had my mind all made up to finally speak to her. In my mind, I had rehearsed over a thousand times, the exact words I would say to her. And so I waited, seated on the same rock in the meadows, well before the crack of dawn, alone and feeling all unsure and jittery.

She did not disappoint my keen anticipation of her arrival, for with the first rays of sunlight, she appeared over the horizon, making her way dutifully towards the woods. I rose from my perch, and wobbled for a bit as my legs felt like jelly. All of a sudden my throat had turned dry and my vision was all hazy. It was like I had become numb all over. All the same, I managed to trudge on, as fast as my wobbly legs could take me, in her direction.

I am not sure if she’d ever taken notice of me in all these months, although occasionally I had spotted her looking in my general direction. I wished with all I had, which was not very much to start with, that I would accomplish what I’d set out to do and that it would not all be in vain. A part of me was fighting the urge to turn around and retreat in sheer nervousness. For I had never, until then, interacted as such with any woman, other than with a select few on the farm only when work demanded that I converse with them and the very thought of approaching and talking to one as ravishing and exquisite as her, was simply mind-blowing.

I walked on and soon found myself barely a few feet away from her. I was not certain if she’d heard me approaching, but at that very moment, she stopped in her tracks and turned around. Our eyes met and at that very second, all else around was reduced to just a blur.

 I found myself at a desperate loss for words, as my mind drew a blank. I fumbled for words and ended up mumbling incoherently. As I struggled to recall the sentences I had rehearsed so many times over, I realized that my hopeless attempt at finding words, coupled with the very obvious, tell-all expression that I bore on my face, had made it all apparent to her. It was as if she had read me right then, like a book, without me having to help her with words. Almost instantly, there was a drastic change in her expression; I couldn’t quite comprehend what exactly that expression meant. She looked all shaken up in a way but at the same time it could just as well have been plain anguish that I saw on her face. I simply did not know what to make of it. But it did seem like her mind was trying to process a thousand conflicting thoughts, all at the same time. It was as if she wanted to say something and was looking for the right words to express whatever was in her mind, but at the same time she seemed to have opted to say it all through expressions. Sometimes, especially at times like this, a lot of emotions and sentiments can be exchanged between two people without having to say a thing. It’s hard to explain but it’s like you somehow feel and understand exactly what the other person is feeling and thinking. And that was precisely what happened between us, right then.  As I stood there motionless for the nth time in her presence, she seemed to hesitate, but only for a moment, before she took a step forward in my direction and took me right into her arms. I must say that it was the warmest, longest and the nicest embrace ever! Some experiences in life just seem to surpass all others and this was one such phenomenal experience of a lifetime for me. I wanted those precious few minutes that we held onto each other to last forever; I wanted us to be frozen in time at that very place and disposition.

But alas, hoping and wishing is all one can do and what ultimately happens is entirely up to that Greater Force that’s overseeing and orchestrating it all. For as abruptly as she had taken me into her arms, she let me go. She then took a gentle step back, looked imploringly into my eyes, again with the same incomprehensible expression on her face and then without uttering a single word, turned around and walked away into the dark woods beyond, leaving me in absolute silence and stillness, feeling dazed and lost in a world of my own, right where I stood.

A Stark Reminder

Every year, on this calendar day, like a bolt from the blue, it pops into your head. It’s that day of the year again. The day a significant part of your PAST was born, all those years ago. You try to ignore it and refuse to acknowledge the fact, but it’s all there, plain and in your face. Shutting your eyes, covering your ears and numbing all other senses too, won’t help. For it’s in your head and it just wont go. A stark reminder of not just what was and what contributed to making your life the way it is today, but of the person, who in some way ended up, albeit unwittingly, controlling how you feel at present despite their absence, even if its just for a day, year after year.
You certainly didn’t wish to remember this date and why should you? After all the person did you the honours of an ultimate kind, by pushing you out of their world and their life for what seemed like for good. Sarcasm sure helps when the very core of your existence is set aflame! For the kind of respect you were given, or rather the lack of it, when the person refused to even listen to what you had to say and totally cut you off in every way conceivable, you should perhaps completely erase every aspect that reminds you of their existence too. It’d only be fair and would only be balanced from every which angle you look at it. For as sure as there was yesterday, you are no longer there in their today and are totally erased from their version of the past. Perhaps it would even make sense to take a leaf out of their book and figure how easy it was for them to just blank out a person from their lives all of a sudden, on a whim, and move on, never caring to look back ever again. Those blessed few who can actually do that after having forged, what everyone around could see, needless to say, they themselves included, a bond that went deeper and beyond what one could express with mere words. To call such a bond "friendship" or by any other name wouldn’t even come close to doing it justice. So it’s best left unnamed, as it is indeed inexplicable.
Some truths in life are hard to face, especially when they are in your past, are significant and cause you immense pain. But they must be faced all the same. If only it wasn’t a yearly ritual, it might have been a lot easier. But that again is a given, for as the sun rises and sets each day, the pages of the calendar shall turn and soon it will be this day of the year again. And something tells me, that the next year too, as with the rest of your mortal years in this form, this will be a day of reckoning of sorts for you, on a personal level; a day when the truth with the sun, will dawn upon you yet again and you must put up a brave face despite an aching heart and accept what is now the present. But be thankful that no one will ever, in a million years or more, be able to change your past and knowing thus, smile at the memories that made the person so significant to you in the first place. Cry not for what could have been but hope eternally for what could be. Who knows, whatever it is that altered the path your life took when you suddenly disconnected from that person, may well be restored. If at all there is something so powerful that can give a person the will to live and look forward to a tomorrow, it is Hope. Hang onto hope and hope again and pray if you will, that the hope becomes a part of God’s Great Plans for you, sooner than even you expect it to.

Seasons of Change

They say, somethings never change. And illustrating that very thought, is my habit of fishing out old articles, some of which I barely remember writing and putting them up here, for whoever cares enough to read.....  And this time, maybe it is for good reason or so I hope. For I have had second thoughts about putting this one up here..

On a cold winter’s evening, I sat beside the window, the blinds drawn out, gazing out at the falling snow, as it piled up high on my front drive. It was only the beginning of winter and I already felt numb all over. The blazing logs in the furnace did not do much to drive that sense of numbness away. Probably because this had a lot more to do with my state of mind at the moment, which matched the gloomy, bleak atmosphere around.  

Exactly a week before, I’d received a note from my friend, telling me that the festivities had taken off and concluded on an unsullied note (for which I was glad and relieved) and that he was back home to oversee the renovation of his store. The ‘festivities’ in question here was that of a wedding, one that I had consciously avoided. In hindsight, maybe I should have attended. Maybe, in a way, it would have helped put a closure to things. But fearing further complications in an already complicated matter, I shied away from it. And on a more personal and selfish level, the reality of it all was too harsh for me to confront. I could not bring myself to accept that it was finally happening; that my beloved … was now marrying another man, not so much by choice as by the pressures of circumstances, that were probably once in my hands to take control of and change. But now, the seasons had already changed.

It was only this spring that I first met her. Introduced by common friends while I was out to do my apprenticeship in the city, our acquaintanceship soon turned to friendship and before we knew it, we were deeply in love with each other.

By mid-summer, we were already seeing each other, at first in a more covert fashion and then more openly as we gained familiarity with the circle of mutual friends we’d made over the months. She was in the city attending finishing school while boarding at her uncle’s place and meeting her meant that we had to steer away from all those places that were frequented by members of her uncle’s family and without rousing any of their suspicions by the hours we kept. Despite the restrictions we had, we still managed to spend all our time in the company of each other, while we were otherwise not busy with our respective purpose for being in the city, to start with. All summer long we enjoyed countless hours just wandering around hand-in-hand in the park or on boat-trips to places nearby. Occasionally, we even got to meet late evening or at night when her uncle’s family was away for a day or two. Such rendezvous were extra special as we could rent a boat all to ourselves and then paddle out into the middle of the lake and spend the rest of the evening together, whispering endlessly to each other in the stillness all around, while gazing at the starlit sky or even ride out to the valley and spend time there, with my banjo and her enchanting voice in tow. And thus, by the time summer had come to an end, to say that we had become inseparable would have been an understatement.

With the onset of autumn came in a slew of fresh challenges. With her sojourn in the city coming to an end and my apprenticeship still on, it meant that she would return to her own home in the countryside while I would continue to stay on in the city, for a while. This is turn meant inevitable separation, a thought that neither of us could bear and a discussion that we’d mutually evaded thus far, for the mere thought of it was painful for the two of us. And when it did come upon us, neither of us was prepared. The first few days of her going away were the hardest. Our friends had to constantly hold me back each time I almost packed my bags and decided to call it quits in the city, leaving my apprenticeship unfinished. I finally had my mind all made up to approach her father and seek her hand in marriage when I received the heartbreaking news. A mutual friend, who happened to be visiting a relative close to her place, brought me a letter she had hastily penned before he returned to the city. My beloved’s father had now decided that it was time for his youngest daughter to marry and with the thought had even sought out a groom for her. Without giving much thought to what she had to say, her family had even set a date for the wedding at the end of autumn. To say that the news just shocked me would be underplaying it. I hadn’t expected things to take such a drastic turn, at such short notice. As my mind raced, desperately seeking a way out of the turn of events, a single line at the bottom of the note she had written me, caught my eye. It simply said ‘It’s still not too late, come get me and we will together seek out a new life someplace else’. That very sentence initiated a huge conflict in my mind. While on one hand I felt should leave right away and go get her, another part of me kept telling me that eloping was not the right thing to do. Eventually I decided to go speak to her family anyway and seek their consent to us getting married. To my mind, that was the only right thing to do! With the falling autumn leaves leaving a colourful trail behind me on my path, I set out to claim what I believed was rightfully mine; to claim a missing part of me that would make me complete again.

Arriving at her country home, I must say I wasn’t very welcome. To start with, I was introduced to the family as a friend of her’s from the city. Within the next couple of days I had gotten to know each member of her family and they all seemed to view my relationship with her, with considerable suspicion. And rightly so, for mere friends we certainly were not. Soon I had gathered enough wits about me to have ‘the conversation’ with her parents. No sooner had I broached the subject with them, was I strongly opposed with an almost immediate and vehement rejection. They wouldn’t hear any of what I had to say thereafter. If I was an unwelcome guest before, I had suddenly been further demoted to the status of a sworn enemy. As I found myself thrown out almost literally from their home, I suddenly realized that while I still loved her very much and would never be the same without her, I no longer had it in me to put up a fight and make my claim. With dejection written all over me, I retraced my footsteps.

And today as I sit on what has become my constant perch beside the window and look out at the falling snow yet again, I feel a vast emptiness inside of me. I had, despite myself, let the moment pass. I had, of my own accord, let my only chance at a meaningful life, just slip away. Perhaps I should’ve have heeded her words and eloped with her. And had I done that, right now I would not have found myself in this miserable, ‘shattered and numbed beyond recovery’ state.

The change of seasons had, with them, brought about a lifetime of change in me and in my life. I was no longer the same person I used to be a year ago. The seasons of change had finally caught up with me for good.