Monday, February 22, 2016

Patience and Hope

We sit side by side, solemnly staring and pondering over what seems to be nothing and everything at the same time. Is it over the mysteries of life? I think not. More like wandering about the meandering streets of our own minds, lost in a manner of being all blanked out. There is a sense of knowing, there is certainty, a level of assurance, of being able to return right back into the moment. Yet we don’t stir, we just sit there in stark silence. Side-by-side. Glancing, both of us at disparate things. In different directions.

There are a half dozen people around us, but it’s still like it’s just the two of us in isolation. At least to me it is. Everything around is such a blur. Everyone is lost in a world and thoughts of their own and it just adds to the silence. Only makes it easier to fade out the surroundings. There’s soft music in the background, but who really knows what number’s playing or even if it’s playing still. There’s much more to concentrate on with the silence of the humans.

We’re companions of some sort on some level.  Can we be more? Who knows, really. But we just sit and soak in the silence. The kind of silence that hangs about so thick that one can almost cut it with a knife. A synchronized, weary and dense silence.

Idly, I pick up my phone and start random conversations with a few. There’s still that almost deafening silence that I can feel in every cell of my body, while my fingers type away furiously. The phone's battery is running out, but mindless of that fact, I pour over my conversation, as if lost in the very act. You just ruminate. I can sense your eyes over my shoulders. Perhaps you read me on more levels than one. Both figuratively and literally. I actually want that. Your presence thus far has added a silver lining to the dark cloud that has been looming around for days. Your being around has made me feel alive again, if only for a bit. It’s revived a feeling that I thought I had lost for good. And I want to share that sense of feeling alive again with whoever I can find to listen. And all this while, the very thought of you looking over my shoulder keeps me going, keeps me at the mundane act of passive communication with another. More of a charade. All playing out to the audience created by just you and me, in the midst of the silent lot.

Time ticks on. A poignant reminder of how very little in terms of minutes we have left together before we meet again. Yet, there is no attempt at conversation. Not even a weak attempt at one. Yet, I feel like we have been having an interaction, just you and me. The charade, remember? And as we get closer to parting ways, fully aware that it will be days before I see you again, I want time to freeze. Even if it’s all going to be just a stopgap arrangement, I want us to be frozen in time, together. I want our moments together to last. Even if it’s in all in silence, even if you in your own mind are not really with me. I want time to stand still. Cause you are with me. Just next to me.

It’s almost like we’re two strangers in the night. But true strangers for how long can we be? Will our future interactions and the times to come, however few and far between they may be, reveal me to you and you to me?

It’s strange that I even wonder about this connection of ours over and over again, trying to make sense. After all, it came to me most unexpectedly, descending gently and pleasantly like a butterfly onto the outstretched palm of my hand. The very realization of it all was both extremely moving and quite disturbing at the same time. As I battle hard with my own conscience to dispel the overwhelming guilt I feel at having overridden my own self-imposed principles and in my needing you, your smile, your soft voice, your very presence, all whilst being fully aware of our disposition. Deep within I know that this need for you in my world, this feeling of rejuvenation and of pure bliss that you bring about in me is not something to be ashamed of, as there's something so intrinsically human in it that I can't deny or wish away even if I wanted to. And despite it all, the magic of your very essence is now indelibly etched in my mind and being forever, that much I can tell. How this came to be, when all of this started and where it would all go eventually, I do not know. All I can do really is to patiently wait for it to be to someplace nice. All I can hope is for our journey together to last despite knowing how far apart we really are on many levels.

For Hope has a strange way of keeping a person looking forward to the seemingly impossible, believing and willing that impossibility to turn to reality at any given moment.
And Patience affords one a sense of calm reassurance in a way that makes one believe that hope is not in vain and that very thing one hopes for shall come to be someday. 

So I continue to live with patience and hope as I always have.

Lastly, strange as all of this may seem or even be, I believe that it’s certainly not a strange coincidence that you did, at such a difficult time, revive a part of me that I had come to accept as long gone, numb and dead. And for that and much more, I am yours in gratitude.