Time has this weird way of smoothening out rough edges of someone’s personality, ironing out the creases of another’s character and in some others like yours truly, making wild emotional expression tame. This is not saying wild as in irreverant, uncontrolled or harmful, but rather wild as in just completely throwing oneself in in almost reckless abandon. Wild as in something that may seem short of madness, even amusing at times to a clueless bystander.
The more one gives it thought, one comes to realize that it’s not just in the expression but also in the perceived, experienced intensity of feeling. The rush, the flights of fantasy, the impulsive outbursts of expression, the euphoric, heady feeling that rises and ebbs in seemingly continuous, unending cycles of incomprehension… where is all that now? How far gone is it to even be able to bring a part of it back if only just to cherish or reminisce and not to relive all of the same euphoria?
Would have gladly grabbed the bull by its horns and declared that love matures over time. But if that were true then it would totally contradict the remnants of open, trusting naivety so raw and so vulnerable that seems anything but matured with age and experience.
I bring this up with a sense of acute nostalgia. One that surfaces from time to time and makes me wonder and look for answers when it peaks and yet savour the mystery and evolution of sentiment at all other times in between.
What was once much more than a blazing fire, almost like a bush fire threatening to spread and consume all that’s in its way, is more like a quietly glowing candle-flame. Still bright enough to dispel any darkness and comfortingly warm in its purpose, this transformation and transition has crept up on me over time, leaving me with an equal sense of awe and wistfulness and often wondering if ever the candle will light a roaring fire someday; one that seems so distant and almost impossible to recall in all its glory.
Now there’s nothing wrong or amiss about quiet, controlled, almost restrained feelings of love. It’s just a different shade, another hue but as vibrant a feeling as ever! But among the questions that go unanswered is one that stands out and can’t be put to rest just as quietly.
Humour me, if you will… But is it really that time has mellowed this eternally-burning emotion down to a glowing ember or does it just take a spark more fierce and true than the ones of late to set the same roaring, blazing fire of aeons ago, ablaze again? Can love ever be mellow or is it just in patient hibernation waiting to be woken up from its deep and prolonged slumber by one as yet unknown and elusive? Guess this is something that only time will tell.